Community Corner

The Art of Healthy Relationships

Four key elements to keep each other happy and feeling appreciated.

By Karen McMahon

What could be a better gift to give your spouse or partner on Valentine’s Day than the gift of vigorous, unconditional love?

The first and second stages of love are romantic and physical — those are the easier ones for most of us to handle. It is when we reach the third stage — attachment — when many of us run into problems. This is the stage where the rose-colored glasses come off and we are surprised to find flaws in our partner. How we react to them is the difference between conditional and unconditional love.

At our core, we all desire to be loved. As we look for a partner in life that we can love, interesting things begin to happen. At first, we are blissfully consumed by the other person. They make us feel strong and sexy, fulfilled and needed. But after a time, we may find ourselves hurt, disappointed, angry or resentful because of what they did or did not do. Our perspective convinces us that we are a victim and have been wronged by our loved one because
we did not get what we needed.

If we were to enter every relationship with the following four key elements as our guide, we would begin to foster healthier exchanges and help build stronger relationships.

1. Self Love

The most important element in a healthy relationship is self love. If you do not love yourself, you will be looking to get that which you feel you are lacking from others and will surely be disappointed. It is when we are insecure with ourselves that we look for someone else to complete us or make us happy. A relationship based on needing another’s attention, admiration or love to feel complete is a recipe for heartbreak.

A healthy relationship involves two people whose self-esteem exists independent of the other yet who desire to grow with each other. These couples have life experiences independent of each other while sharing beautiful times together as well. They have a deep respect and acceptance of each other’s differences. Their love is based on giving to, not getting from, one another. Both partners give love and admiration and build each other up. Neither is demanding of the other to fix or fulfill a part of them but each becomes enhanced by the other's presence in their life.

If you are looking to feel complete by meeting someone, use this realization to work on your own self love and acceptance. Once you truly love yourself, you will begin to draw to you the type of person who can and will love you.

2. Be authentic

When we first meet someone that we are attracted to, we have an inclination to be on our best behavior; to think about how our actions will look before we proceed. While this sounds like a good approach at first glance, we are beginning the relationship with deceit and not trusting that the other person will like us for who we really are.

By always being authentic, you act and react in your most natural way. When we are our genuine self all the time, we learn more quickly who is and is not good fit for us. We spend less time trying to fit the square peg into the round hole.

Once we are in a long standing relationship, the same rule remains. The opposite of being authentic is to be manipulative and controlling. If there is something you want or need from the other person, talk candidly about it. If your loved one cannot or will not respond as you would like, you have learned something new. You now have the opportunity to choose how to respond to them. Any reason you might have to act disingenuously is bound to lead you down a difficult path. Better to address the issue immediately and genuinely.

3. Foster communication

Don’t make assumptions. We often react to our perception of our loved one’s actions or words and completely misinterpret their meaning. For instance, “If he loved me, he would take the trash out, it’s all I ask!”, or “the one night I watch sports with the guys she nags me, she doesn’t appreciate all that I do…” In each of these statements, the speaker is looking for acknowledgement and validation. What might the person receiving these statements hear? Stop and question your interpretations.

Instead of talking about our feelings, we end up fighting over money, sex, chores or the kids. Yet, it is always how we feel that is at the core of the problem. If you talk things out candidly and focus on how you feel instead of the details of the situation, small upsets can turn into blessings, opportunities to communicate and growing closer.

Be completely present and listen to what your partner is saying – don’t be constructing your response while they speak. To make sure you understood them, repeat to your partner what you heard them say and ask them if you understood them correctly. Often what we hear and what the other person said are two different things. Reflecting back one’s words during a conversation helps to foster clear communication and deeper appreciation of one another.

4. Take full personal responsibility for your words and actions

When you get upset with your partner, consider your part in it first. How did I exacerbate the situation or how have I put myself in this situation by not setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them? If you hear yourself saying, “he hurt me so bad, it’s his fault that I…” or “I only said those things because she…” remember that you are completely responsible for your actions and you always have choices.

No one can do something to us without our consent. Figure out your part in the dispute and work on yourself first. What is your lesson learned in this situation? What "button" was pushed, where does it come from and why does it upset you? Once you have learned your lesson, your angst will ease. Only at this point will you be able to respond instead of react to the situation. You will begin to communicate your needs, boundaries and concerns in a healthy manner. You will be serving yourself, your partner and the relationship better from this place of self reflection and thoughtful response.

At our core, we all desire to be loved. Acknowledging and validating our loved one is an amazing balm that soothes many misunderstandings. Respect and appreciation are the opposite of taking one for granted and a strong foundation upon which to build a relationship. And finally, your conversations are not about the relationship, they are the relationship. Clear, candid communication is the mortar that binds together a strong relationship.

Implementing these four key elements in your relationship will be the most valuable Valentine’s Day gift you can give yourself and your loved one.

For more advice from Karen, visit http://www.karenmcmahon.com/


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