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Health & Fitness

Top 10 Actors Who Could Play Osama bin Laden

One Long Islander's picks for which of Hollywood's leading men could portray Osama bin Laden in film.

In the the biggest news this year since Charlie Sheen, the United States has defeated its most nefarious foe, Osama bin Laden.

Much of the United States, especially us New Yorkers, truly rejoiced when we heard the news. First, before I delve into the depths of attempted comedy, let me say thank you to our soldiers serving our country and continuing to protect us.

With that being said, I decided it would be amusing for this week’s Top 10 list to include actors who could honestly portray Osama bin Laden when the movie we all know is eventually coming hits theaters.

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The possibilities were endless…but I believe I have come up with some gems!

10) Hugh Jackman – We know he can do action. We know he can be a villain. However, I’m apprehensive for a few reasons. He’s done A LOT of musicals. Not that I have a problem with that being a former theater jock myself, but I am thinking he may not come off mean enough. I want to like Jackman for the role, I really do, but something is holding me back. Maybe it’s that I see him too much as a good guy. However, Hugh Jackman could give good depth to the character and especially portray younger versions of bin Laden very well. 

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9) Javier Bardem – Some might debate that he should be higher on the list. Again, I think the potential is there, but I’d need a screen test first. Here are the facts: we know he can do creepy (No Country for Old Men), yes. He’s got the acting chops. But again, assuming this is an action movie, Bardem always plays characters moving AWAY from action. He also might be too good of an actor to play bin Laden. Well, he was in “Eat, Pray, Love.”

8) Robert Pattinson – He's so hot right now! But I’m just going to say it...he uses the word “acting” loosely…

7) Jeremy Renner – This hit me a bit earlier today…Jeremy Renner LOOKS like Osama bin Laden. He’s got the same nose and face. Plus, we’ve seen him play against terrorist and insurgents, why not see him play one? The beard potential here is weak, however. There is one thing though – he portrayed Jeffrey Dahmer. Not my first choice…but I say a good back-up.

6) Jon Cryer – Let’s face it, he’s got nothing else to do and we’d love to hear what Charlie Sheen has to say about this one.

5) Christian Bale – First, the beard potential here might be the best. Christian Bale knows how to work the screen. People need to realize the extent of his abilities, too. He played Jesus in a TV movie, was in the movie adaptation of “Shaft,” has been in Shakespeare, and of course, Jack Kelly in “Newsies.” The most diverse choice, I can see him playing a more angry type bin Laden (Maybe yell at a few couriers for not being professional.) but just enough to put up a fight before that “final scene.” (Too soon?)

4) Sean Bean – This is an interesting choice to consider. First, Sean Bean can play a terrorist type character (“National Treasure”). Plus, from his “Lord of the Rings” experience he can traverse through mountains without a problem. Again, we have beard potential here as well. The only problem I can foresee is he might take it a bit too far where we’d make us LIKE bin Laden. People tend to associate Sean Bean villains with being ‘awesome’. Sean Bean is also the only member of this list who has appeared in a Moby video. There might be something there…

3) Jim Caviezel – I’m only seeing this one if Mel Gibson directs it. Jim has actually made a good career out of playing foreign debutantes. Also, he played JESUS! He’s got the facial hair potential. Also, we know he can do multiple accents. He is one of the few candidates who might be tall enough too. Most people also don’t realize he was an extra in “Blue Chips” starring Nick Nolte and Shaquelle O’Neill. Plus, I like Caviezel. I’d hang with him, he seems pretty “un-Hollywood,” probably because his last few films were total flops. However, let’s throw him a bone here and give it a go.

2) Samuel L. Jackson – First of all, you’re talking about a guy who has played every type of character under the sun. Second, you have to look at the approach he’d take. If you think back to his Mace Windu days ("Star Wars") – he wore similar clothes to that of bin Laden. Coincidence? Also, he can handle a pistol. “One Eight Seven” – very underrated film. Above all, he knows how to die on screen with poise and character. I’d like to see bin Laden drop a few f-bombs, too. (“I’m tired of riding these mother-(bleep)ing  camels in the mother (bleep)in' desert!”) In fact, he’s the only one on this list whose been eaten on screen.

1) Robert Downey, Jr. – Come on, now? The man was nominated for an Academy Award for playing Kurt Lazerus/Lincoln Osiris in “Tropic Thunder.” He’s a master of accents. Now, assuming that Osama bin Laden’s movie will have action, he has the “Iron Man” experience.  Some may remember his classic interpretation of John Mellencamp on Saturday Night Live. However, what sells me on Mr. Downey is that he already played the title role of a crazed political leader in his 1985 made-for-TV movie – Mussolini: The Untold Story. Plus, If he can grow a sweet mustache, he’d grow a sweet beard.

Of course, there are a few honorable mentions: Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, Will Smith, and John Travolta were all close. Vin Disel is always a contender. However, these are my choices. Now, can you just think of movie titles?

“Lost in Abottobad?” “Lord of the Terror-Rings,” “Zack and Miri Meet bin Laden,” “The bin Laden-over,” "The Expenda-bin Ladens", "Slumdog bin Laden-aire," “Borat 2”…the list is limitless.

Go USA!

What would your picks be?

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